Monday, October 17, 2011

Dumped on the Beach


Writing Challenge: Write based on the guidelines given for Rachael Harrie's Third Campaign Challenge 
My response is below. It meets all the criteria. :0)

Dumped on the Beach
By Dawn M. Hamsher

Jallia lay on the smooth compact sand, still breathless from her swim. Her body glistened in the morning sun. Rolpier lay flopped beside her.

“Every day is the same. Swim in. Lay out. Swim again,” he said.

“Yes, isn’t it glorious? The next big one will be coming soon, so you better rest.”

“Jallia, your synbatec optimism is driving me crazy.”

Further up the beach, they heard a boy yell.

“Eww gross! What’s that smell? Oh man! Dad, Dad, look it’s a dead jellyfish! It’s all transparent and gushy.”

Then a woman yelled. “Brady, don’t you touch that thing!”

Rolpier sighed. “Lucky devil. He’s out of his misery.”

“I’m really not sure why I hang out with you. You’re such a wastopaneer! You should be up there with him,” Jallia said angrily.

Just then a wave washed up and swept Jallia out to sea. The water also reached Rolpier, but it only carried him a foot before depositing him again.

“Hey Jallia! You don’t mean it. Don’t leave me!”

Jallia ducked under the water, not looking back. Her tentacles tactised gracefully behind her as she purposefully propelled forward. She was deep underwater when the next words broke on the beach.

“Hey Dad! I found another jellyfish and this one’s not dead yet!”

44 comments:

  1. I really love the twist to this. Jellyfish! I've never read a story quite like it. Great use of the made up words too. Bravo!

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  2. From the POV of jellyfish! Love it.

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  3. oh nice one! Great change in direction - i never thought of a jellyfish!

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  4. Wow I love it!! At first I was a little confused because I thought that they were people but when I read it again I had that 'Oh!' moment. Wonderful job!!

    (I'm entry #5)

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  5. Love it. Hope Rolpier catches the next wave quickly.

    Nice use of the words too.

    Pamela Jo

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  6. Very nice! I loved the dialogue! You have my vote. :)

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  7. Sometimes I feel like a bored jellyfish too.

    Nicely done!

    mood
    Moody Writing
    @mooderino

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  8. Nice! Great twist, and great characterisation!
    Mine is #25.

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  9. I have to say, I was surprised! great job!

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  10. Jellyfish! Actually I'm deathly afraid of Jellyfish. My sister got stung by one when she was a child.

    So I'm cheering for the kid who spy's the jellyfish!

    Great job.

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  11. Oh I love the thought of jellyfish being bored with their existence! Great idea!

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  12. That was dastardly clever! And loaded with awesomeness. Great job! :)

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  13. I always suspected they came in on purpose. Didn't know it was to sunbathe, though. ;) Great story.

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  14. Very intriguing! Love the ending! Well done! ; )

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  15. “Eww gross! What’s that smell? Oh man! Dad, Dad, look it’s a dead jellyfish! It’s all transparent and gushy.”

    Pure brilliance. I loved the twist at the end - it made me go and read the whole thing again. Nice job :)

    I'm entry #8

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  16. Cleverly written! The surprise ending is excellent! :)

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  17. Very intriging. I liked it very much.

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  18. Great twist! I liked the way you used the words, as well. Good job!

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  19. Thank you all for your lovely comments!!

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  20. Especially liked the lines: "Swim in. Lay out. Swim again." Loved the POV.
    Ah, I want to be a jelly-fish in my next life. *chuckles*
    (I'm no.#47)

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  21. I like the twist at the end. Very nicely done. Mine is #56

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  22. *Applauding* Well done, Dawn! Loving the voice...even though it's a sea critter...what fun!

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  23. So did NOT expect that ending! Bravo!! YAY!

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  24. Ha ha ha! I had to reread it to make sure I wasn't crazy. Great twist!

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  25. very original. can't say I had a clue where younwere headed. nice job!

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  26. Jellyfish! What a great idea! Nice job.

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  27. This is really cute! I'm voting for you!! :D I'm #69 :)

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  28. lesson learned: I'm going to say more positive things to my friends! I don't want them swimming-off without me! LOL! Loved it!

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  29. I loved the surprise in this one. Great writing!

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  30. Nice! Didn't see that ending coming. I'm #88.

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  31. Loved your twist! Very original posting. Loved it! I'm #65.

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  32. Loved your story. I'm helping judge this round and advanced your story onto the next round of judging. Good luck.

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  33. brilliantly turning those three words into verb, adjective and noun! Excellent work!

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  34. Thank you all for your great comments!

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  35. Wow, a jellyfish! That definitely wasn't expected. Good job with the requirements. I liked your take on the challenge.

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  36. O-ho, didn't see that one coming! Nicely handled there.

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  37. FABULOUS! Great twist and clever message!
    Love the names too!

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  39. Thanks everyone for your positive comments! I'm so glad you liked it!

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I appreciate your comments! I try to respond to each one.